C-Section Confessions

2

The number of unplanned c-sections that I have had.

2

The number of times I dealt with failure over unplanned c-sections.

I know it sounds crazy. I know I may be too hard on myself, but I'm being real. I'd like to say, I don't judge anyone who has had planned c-sections, anyone who has loved their c-sections, or anyone who wonders what the big deal is. All I'm telling you is about MY OWN journey. MY OWN -isms and MY OWN picture of how I wanted my babies births to be. 

We took the natural childbirthing classes (and great classes at that). I remember doing an activity during one of our sessions about when things don't go as planned and what the most important thing should be to us. I remembered thinking that the exercise was one we didn't need. 

Things would go as planned. 

I would do this.

C-sections were for uninformed women who couldn't bear the pain of labor and didn't have enough endurance to make it happen. 

I'm not one of those women.

I know, the thought process was ignorant. Arrogant.

And absolutely ridiculous.

Child number 1. Exercises done nightly, relaxation practiced daily. Labor started on a day before his due date. This was going to be spot on. 24 hours later. No baby. Exhausted and defeated Momma. Not past 4 cm. I won't tell you the exact words that were running through my head, but it wasn't good. This child was transverse AND posterior. And no amount of labor positions would straighten him up or turn him around. My midwife recommended pitocin to strengthen my contractions in hopes of getting him in position. Strike 1 to my birth plan. And because I was already laboring for 24 hours, and my contractions were going to get stronger, we should start an epidural to get you through. Strike 2. 

6 hours later, no change, no progress, fetal distress. C-section now. Strike 3, the birth plan was out the window. 

Relief. Yes. Indescribable joy. Yes.

Lurking failure. Yes.

It haunted me for months afterwards. I would talk about it and reason it with everyone who asked. Yes, there was nothing else I could do. I trust my midwife and her guidance (still do). He came happy and healthy and that's all that matters. But honestly, I don't know if I believed all of that. My midwife was amazing and I don't feel as though she forced me into anything, I knew she did all she could to make my little man get here as naturally as possible. And while she did her job, did I do mine? 

I came to the conclusion that I did not.

I moved past Colt's birth and set my sights on Baby Number 2.

I would get it right then. I would have another chance. I would do this.

Baby Girl was late. Four days late. My contractions began just like my first. I was ready for this. I knew what to do this time. I labored through the night and on to noon the next day. It was time to go, she was close. 

She was only 1 cm.

What went through my mind at this point was neither Christian or polite.

Anger at myself turned into fear when they could barely pick up her heartbeat. No more labor. It was time to go. And go quickly we did. 16 minutes from the time my midwife called the hospital to the time I was wheeled in the OR. Strike 1-2 and 3 happened all in one phone call. No birth plan considered this time.

Relief. Joy. Excitement. Love.

Delayed failure.

It took a little while this time, but it set in about three days later. I didn't understand why I couldn't do it. 

I processed. And processed some more. And not until recently, almost 8 months later, have I realized what was wrong with this whole picture. Why I couldn't do it. Why I dealt with guilt and failure. Why this was such a hard blow.

It was all about me. 

How could I be so selfish and so self-absorbed to think that the birth of my two gorgeous children was about how great I was at childbirth. Seriously. Reading that last sentence, it's actually laughable. Instead of celebrating the miracle of having a child and rejoicing and praising God that I have two wonderful healthy (and easy) babies, I am lamenting about my so-called failure? Let's talk first world problems. Let's talk reality check. Let's talk about getting over yourself. 

So today... I'm choosing to be thankful for them. I'm choosing to thank God for doctors and decisions and that deep red scar on my abdomen. And if another one comes along and if the doors of that OR swing open for me for a third time, I will still be thankful and not view it as something to be won, but as another grand adventure. 

Bread Part Dos

I have been making our own bread for six months now and I was led to do so after staying with the besties for a few days. I had a piece (or 8) of Miss Andrea's bread and no store bought loaf could ever compare. I do believe her hubby said that it was "bread crack". Yes... yes it is... Anyway, who better to talk about the choice to start making your own bread than the lady who inspired me to do so... Sooooo without further ado, here's Andrea:

It all started with an offer from my dear (no, really - she's wonderful!) mother-in-law for a hand me down bread machine. At the time, I was 8.5 months pregnant with my second daughter, chasing a two year old and could barely muster the energy to brush my teeth, much less produce a loaf of bread fit for The Little House on the Prairie. I politely declined. Fast forward about a year, and my husband and I start to really dig into what is in our food, who put it there (Monsanto anyone?http://www.naturalnews.com/037289_monsanto_corporations_ethics.html), and how to best equip our bodies nutritionally for lifelong health. I was finally ready to give that bread machine a try, and a year and a half later, I am still making 100% of the bread we consume and I've never looked back. Our journey ultimately brought us to start a large organic garden where we grow the majority of our produce, and raise free range organic chickens along with two Nigerian Dwarf goats who my husband would like to milk one day. (I'm not sure I'm on board with daily goat milking yet!)

I'm now on my second hand me down bread machine and what I love about it, is it is so incredibly EASY. Really, it is. My favorite recipe takes me about 7 minutes (with a 5 year old "helper") to prep and get into the bread machine which works tirelessly for the next 3-4 hours to bake up the most delicious, fluffy and nutritious bread you will ever taste. All the ingredients are easily found in your local grocery store, and baking your own bread is also much CHEAPER than store bought. For an artisan style sandwich bread, you'll be shelling out about $4/loaf at the grocery store. I can make one at home for around $1.25, and it's completely chemical and preservative free. And really, you can't beat a kitchen that smells like a bakery for the rest of the day.

Here is my favorite basic sandwich bread recipe. Note that all bread machines are a little different and you may have to experiment a little bit until you get the perfect ratio of wet/dry ingredients.

1/3 cup honey (Or I use a sugar alternative - sucanat cut with honey)
1 1/3 cup water
1 1/2 tsp salt
2 tbsp oil (go with coconut - you won't regret it)
3 tbsp dry milk
3 3/4 cups whole wheat flour
2 tbsp gluten
2 tbsp ground flax seed (or whole flax seed for an awesome crunchy texture. Just know the whole seed won't be absorbed by your digestive system and you'll be missing the nutritional benefits)
2 tsp yeast

If you're not sure you can stick with it and therefore don't want to spring for a new bread maker, I would encourage you to send out a plea on Facebook to borrow one. You may be surprised to find a grandmother, aunt, friend or neighbor has one they're not using anymore and willing to lend out. Once you fall in love with making your own bread, consider also grinding your own fresh flour. (Don't look at me like that.) Did you know that flour can lose the majority of its vitamin content in the first 72 hours after milling? I can only imagine how long some of the flour has been on the shelf in the stores. It only adds about 2 minutes to the prep time, you pay for your flour mill in about one year by purchasing grain in bulk from your local co-op. The fresh flour makes the bread incredibly soft with more fiber and naturally occurring vitamins.

____________________________________________________

So first off, I would encourage you to at least try to make your own bread. Like Andrea, I have a bread machine, plop all my ingredients in and press a button. Once a week, 10 minutes, really, is all I do. I started off with Andrea's recipe and then tried a few different ones and have settled on a mix of her recipe and an oatmeal loaf! It has been really fun to experiment and I've had a few mishaps along the way. I remember at one point, I texted Andrea a picture of the bread machine kneading TWO dough balls. It was pretty hilarious.

Like Andrea said, you might have to find to right mixture of ingredients for your particular machine.  I began with her recipe and then went from there to find what worked best for us. I tried letting the bread machine do the kneading, then baking in the oven, more water, less water, more salt, no salt, stone ground wheat, white whole wheat, adding gluten, taking out gluten. While all were decently good, they were too dense or too crumbly and didn't last very long. Well, I finally found the combo that works for us... and the angels sing... seeeeeee you get TWO tried and true bread recipes with this post! Here is mine:

1 1/3 c water
2 tbsp honey
1 1/2 tbsp coconut oil
1 1/2 cup bread flour
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup oatmeal
1 packet of yeast

One note to keep in mind, homemade bread is made to be eaten pretty much right away. It does not have the preservatives that store-bought bread does, hence, after 4 or 5 days it's sorta blah.

So.... there's Bread Part Dos.